No, no, Submitted for YOUR Pleasure

image of post its notes on a desk, one message written out that says Kill me now

I once scored a lucrative job from someone running a mysterious company that needed a creative writer. Creative is a term that, to me, involves humor. Which is why I’d submitted the following:

Water balloons prevent total, absolute slaughter of pumpkins

A school district in West Virginia of over 1,000 students began a mass slaughter of pumpkins in pursuit of science.

“Organizers say the goal of the event is not to make the squashes go splat, but rather to provide some pumpkin protection…” when dropped from 40 feet.

“It’s an applications process, it’s a physics process,” said one big wig where the demonstration was held.

The winners used a variety of materials. One group used “…milk cartons instead of cups” along with cardboard.

Another group of students found that water balloons, traditionally the weapon of choice for certain middle school and high school enthusiasts, provided adequate pumpkins protection.

Calls made to the Pumpkin Anti-Cruelty Society for a comment were not returned.

I didn’t learn of the hiring company’s name until after they selected me as the winner! Applied Justice (not their real name) wanted me to write out a script that someone was due to record for something? answering machine message? robocall? in three hours…go.

The beauty of the gig economy is that everyone has to do whatever using the most annoying parameters or no parameters at all.. until the boss gets back to you to tell you, “No no no no no no no… we do not want humor.”

I am legally bound to some contract that prevents me from providing the script here. But trust me. It was creative. Until I had to straighten it out for the impending 40 minute deadline since, REMEMBER?, they had hired a studio and an actor to read the lines.

I decided, instead, to pretend that I was writing for rich people. Because that is what one does when one cannot write anything funny, shalln’t it?

Here’s the list of words I’d collected

to help spur me on to meeting my deadline

  • steady and sound approach to problems
  • Your request is and will be honored…
  • Advisory
  • in this regard.
  • appraise
  • when you see a little daylight ahead
  • I can imagine how pressed you must be
  • Abiding
  • proving effective
  • tendresse
  • tendril
  • Barbara Mandril
  • Every Sha la la
  • acquisition
  • accusatory glance

I derived a three star out of five star review for not heeding the client’s wishes and exceeding his greatest expectations.

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